The Lie of Deficiency

The Lie Of Deficiency

The truth about our perceived deficiency is that it’s often rooted from a moment of incompatibility. 

When we find ourselves in misaligned places – jobs, relationships, environments, friendships – and something breaks (rejection, abandonment, criticism, etc.). We internalize it and find fault within ourselves.

These moments of rupture lead to beliefs we carry about ourselves- beliefs that are sometimes hidden from our awareness. 

We subconsciously believe we are unlovable, too much, a burden, not enough, not worthy in some way or another. 

We create these subconscious or conscious narratives that everyone eventually leaves, that people only stay if we over-effort, over-give, over-extend, that if we’re not giving 110%, it will never happen, that we can’t rest or we’re lazy, and the list goes on.

And yet, so many of these beliefs originated from a time of incompatibility. 

Of course duality exists, and there are times accountability and ownership matter.

And, there are times where we were forcing ourselves to mold into a situation that we truly didn’t fit into.

I see the common thread of normalizing suffering. Many philosophers and psychologists have theorized about our addiction to it.

People complain about their friends, their partners, their jobs, their living situations, not fully realizing that they don’t have to force themselves to fit into a situation that creates so much friction. 

Our society has somewhat normalized “hating” and judging our friends and partners. 

That getting up to go to a job you hate is normal and just part of the American Dream experience. 

And that’s not to say that never experiencing conflict or friction and frustration are the only healthy way, but we have normalized the extreme of what we tolerate. 

We all have our insecurities, and they all come from somewhere. 

And, I challenge you to try and trace them back to the defining moment, and then look at that situation objectively. 

Were you truly not enough? 

Or were two people trying to force a connection from chemistry and not compatibility? 

Were you trying to keep up in a job role that you felt you “should” do vs. what actually lights you up? Or one that didn’t highlight your strengths?

Were you truly a burden, or did the other person not have the capacity to hold emotional space for you or the ability to even know how?

Were you truly too much or was that person unable to meet you in your depth? Or they didn’t share the same interests and passions?

Have people expressed clear boundaries around how they’re able to meet you? 

Or did they shut you out, ignore you, or get passive aggressive when you “crossed” unspoken boundaries or didn’t meet unspoken expectations?

No one is perfect, and we have all done at least one of these things. This is how we learn what works for us and what doesn’t. 

We have lives, and stress, and the inability to hold everything or monitor everyone around us. 

But, I find so many people fall into shame spirals of deficiency, thinking there is something wrong with them, when in reality there was just a miss-match in energy. 

Misalignment or incompatibility was actually at the root, and then we create narratives around who we are from it. 

Guilt is that we did something wrong. 

Shame is “we are bad.”

And of course so much of this stems from childhood. The early moments of creating our sense of self. Where perceived (or very real) rejection and abandonment buries into the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and the world around us.

But, I find that regardless of what’s happened to you and when, the best way of moving forward in the present is letting go of the belief that there is something wrong with you. 

That’s why I personally have found so much peace in things like Psychology, Astrology, and Human Design. 

They normalize our differentiation. 

That the way you show up differently than I do is part of our own uniqueness and gifts. 

That if we all functioned the same, this place would be pretty boring. 

And that empathy and compassion are the key to understanding ourselves and others.