Our Addiction to Incompatibility

Feeling bound to our differences

Repost from Substack on Aug 7, 2026

All I have been able to notice lately is overhearing conversations of people talking poorly of others.

The fact that it’s been so prevalent and so loud has me turning the topic over and over again.

It’s a behavior that I hate, but that I am not exempt from.

A behavior that lives in my shadow and is now being projected and broadcast outward.

But it’s more than that.

It’s also an understanding of why it exists.

I’ve shared before of our addiction to incompatibility, and I’ve maybe never identified it as an addiction before. But it’s becoming increasingly clear that is what it is.

Because it gives our mind something to dissect…

To try and bridge the gap between who we believe we are and who we feel the other is not.

It gives us something to connect over and talk about with others.

It helps us feel validated in our sense of self when others agree with us, see us, validate our experience.

But it simultaneously furthers us into our separateness.

It takes time and emotional maturity to see that most of the things that you talk poorly of others about, you have also done.

And it’s not always about what they did but how it made you feel, which can sometimes be scary to admit, even to ourselves.

And to shift away from the other and back to self is how we’re able to move through the feelings and adjust course.

The more we give our power away to “can you believe she did that?” “Or I can’t stand him” and back to “I feel hurt, betrayed, etc.” or “I don’t like this behavior, so I am going to distance myself.” The more we’re able to have healthier relationships with others and ourselves.

By keeping this us vs. them mentality alive, we only perpetuate more hurt.

Because my hatred towards shit talking has always been about how it feels to be on the receiving end.

Difference is beautiful.

If we were all the same, life would be so boring.

And that’s why I believe we’re somewhat addicted to incompatibility or what we’ve suppressed in ourselves.

Because we’d be bored if there wasn’t something to mull over or discuss with our peers.

And is that necessarily true? No, there’s still plenty to talk about. But it feels so intertwined in the human condition.

But incompatibility and differences don’t need to be shamed.

They can exist and be discussed without this level of villianization.

People become evil because they don’t want the same things as you or think how you think. Or because they couldn’t love you in a way you wanted them to.

And sure, there are components of shared morals and values.

But when there is deep incompatibility, that’s when we’re meant to walk away.

And so many people struggle with that.

They convince themselves they need to stay for whatever obligatory reason they have been taught or adopted. To quell whatever feelings of guilt or grief that leaving brings about.

But the truth is the more you stay with truly incompatible people in your life, the greater the divide becomes.

You begin to question who you are and why it can’t work… what’s wrong with you that they can’t love you… you can’t love them… you can’t seem to get it right.

Or utter contempt, bitterness and resentment arises in who they are as a person. And to be on the receiving end of that can subconsciously or consciously deeply affect a person.

The untangling of this addiction can take years. And maybe, it’s never truly broken.

Because many of us grew up in incompatible households where we couldn’t leave until we were 18.

So you’re taught to stay, to try to make it work, to try and be palatable. That maybe if you change or contort who you are, then you’ll be accepted.

We don’t always understand that having different morals, values, or beliefs from others is ok until we’re older.

And we aren’t always taught to try to figure out what our values and beliefs even are and to look to connect with others from that place.

Psychologically we attract the same partners that mirror our wounding. To try and heal through the other. Sometimes it works and other times it breaks us down further.

So, this incompatibility persists until we see it.

Until we’re able to recognize it from afar and step outside of our habitual nature.

There is no such thing as perfectly compatible.

But it’s what we do with incompatibility. It’s how we work through it, how we talk about it, how we share it.

And how we turn inward and explore our shadow.

Cause often our biggest triggers are the things we suppress and try to ignore within ourselves.